There are to paths and i just cant seem to get on the right one.

There are two paths. One twists and turns, goes up and down and around. The other is straight, there are no rocks, no turns just easy and straight. I know which path to take, i know where it goes and what the end is. But it scares me, losing myself in the path, to person who leads me on this path. It scares me. So i look away, i see the easy path, its fun, it has games and other fun things. but there is shame. the heavy burden of what i am doing is wrong. I feel like i had this straight rope before i went on this easy path but ever since then i was jumping and dancing and playing games and rope got all twisted and knotted and i dont know how to get it undone. i dont know how to get back. I dont really want to go back. A part of me does, my heart knows what is best, it looks back and crys out to go back to where it is safe. but my head, oh my head says no, its hard back there. Its embarrassing. You praising and dancing to some one you cant see. You look like fool why would you do that. I want to go back though...i hear, i hear about people losing them selfs and i get jealous, i want that. I what God to like me again. i want to feel Him again. I miss Him. but its all twisted. I cant get it untwisted. I have made so many mistakes. I so good at be the "perfect" christian. I have all the answers but me. i have no idea where i am. Im lost and i dont like it. I give in so easy, i like the world to much, bucaue it is easy, but the shame...thats not easy.
Do i really want to lose myself? my heart aches for it, but pride is in the way. i can feel it in my legs when i am at church..to dance for God but i dont. I want to be straight again..i Gods eyes. I want to get to heaven and have Him smile at me and say well done. but i cant...i never get that. Im i even going to heaven? that terrifies me, i have sinned i still sin everyday. I know God is God and He is the only God, but even satan knows that. Am i going to heaven, or i have dug a hole so deep in head knowlege that my heart is not in it? I am scared i am not..and the thought of not having God when i die is terrifying, the though of being away and burned for hte rest of my life..is so so scary.....
I guess i dont know. i want to be on the right path, the path of God. I want to see Him and hear Him. I do hear Him, so that means something..right? I want to be like my mom, we make fun of her and tease her..but really i long for that. to be unashamed and FREE in God. I want what my mom has.....
I dont know..i just dont know....

Summer

Staring up into a cloudless sky filled with stars as a warm breeze tickles your face.
Jumping head first into freezing cold water to shake the blistering heat from are bodies.
Laughing, talking and sleeping the days away.
Running bare foot from house to house looking for someone to come out and play.
Tire swings and shaved ice are a perfect combination.
Warm rain and swimsuits.
Smores and camp fires are nothing without the people around them.
Midnight showings of your favorite movie.
Sleepless nights with friends and the tv.
Dozens of pictures from the adventures that we took.
Summer, I am falling head over heals for summer.
Its warm days and cools long nights.
The laughter it brings.
Shorts, tanks, T-shirts and flip-flops.
I love you summer.

Please, come back to me quickly.
I miss you.

He's not that bad.

Trust me, i wouldnt do anything stupid.